


hold me in this wild, wild world

by goldfinchex



Category: K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, F/F, Getting Back Together, Post-Break Up, also heads up for fairly explicit mentions of homophobic attitudes in society?, seulrene is endgame i don't like suffering THAT much, some implied mental health struggles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-10-07 17:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17370479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldfinchex/pseuds/goldfinchex
Summary: "it’s the small details that come in an unending deluge. All of her senses constantly remind her that she’s missing someone,a part of herself".A Seulrene college/breakup AU, featuring some heartbreak and regret.





	1. swim far away from the wreck we made

There are days where she wishes that things are different.

That she isn’t single.

That she isn’t walking down an empty street at two a.m. trying to clear her mind and to shut the sadness out of her system.

That she doesn’t remember.

Doesn’t remember taking this cobblestoned path down the hill as they made their way to the dance practice rooms together, dragging her sneakers past the halls that used to share classes with, dashing their way from shelter to shelter to avoid the chilly spring rain, blistering summer sun, and freezing winter wind.

Ordinarily, the tranquil calm of the night would calm her. The night air is inert, frozen of all activity until tomorrow. Ordinarily, her mind would let itself drift off into emptiness.

But not tonight.

Tonight, her mind races and nothing can calm the turbulence within.

Two a.m., and all she wants to do is to sleep. Her eyebags weigh on her. Ever since her semester’s started, she’s poured herself into the humdrum of work, work, and work. Her friends have remarked that her eyebags have gotten worse since autumn.

Two a.m., and all she can think of is: Kang Seulgi and Bae Joohyun, clinging to each other as they make their way through the pitch-black maze slightly more than a year ago during Halloween.

Why had she allowed Seulgi to drag her to the Haunted House, she had no idea, but Seulgi had the audacity to smile at her, her eyes pulling into crescents as she whiningly made her request – “it’ll be fun! We’ve got to support Seungwan’s fundraising initiative right?” – and Joohyun simply could not have refused the girl. She wonders how Seulgi had manipulated her decision so easily and remembers that as she clung to Seulgi’s back in the maze, she had a fleeting moment of realization that oh god _I would do anything for Seulgi_ and that it had terrified her more than the jump scare around the corner.

Sure, she had screamed as the scare crew leapt out and shrieked at her, his face covered with what she knows to be grey face paint and an unholy amalgamation of Vaseline, fake blood, cornstarch, but when she flung herself behind Seulgi’s back as the girl returned a scream at their attacker, she had found that her face contorted into an expression of fear primarily because of well, instinct, instead of being actually terrified.

Because a year ago, Kang Seulgi was there.

Stop it, Joohyun. Stop thinking of a forgone past. You’ve made a decision. Stick with it.

She sighs. She’s been doing so well recently. Food has begun to taste okay again and she’s been sleeping more regularly nowadays, but…

She blames the coffee that Jennie managed to slip into her day. God, she doesn’t even like coffee.

She’s really, really been doing so damned well.

Except for tonight. Tonight’s the first time she flicked open their messaging history, scrolling all the way back up to _back then_.

Like: _[hey, Joohyun-unnie, can you meet me for coffee?]_ and her reply: _[[Sure. When?]]_ She doesn’t even like coffee, God help her. Seulgi didn’t know then, of course. She knew now that Joohyun detests coffee. Would rather not touch it as long as she could help it. Seulgi herself isn’t partially fond of coffee, preferring its sweetened variants instead of the iced Americanos that their peers all seem to prefer.

All she had wanted when she opened the app was to dig out an old essay that Seulgi had sent her, asking if she could proofread it. And instead, she is served a bitter mouthful of heartache.

Right below the essay document had been:

_[[I’ll wait for you by the main door. Don’t take too long?]]_

_[Okay. I’ll see you in a bit! Prof’s really sucking the lifeforce out of me]_

_[Going on and on about some bs that’s not even gonna be tested for finals. Sigh.]_

Joohyun had probably laughed into her scarf then, discreetly muffling the sound lest her classmates catch her reaction and ask after her source of amusement. It didn’t gnaw that much at her then, not yet, not until a mutual friend had brought _it_ up casually, not knowing that it would drag them into their downward spiral.

Compelled to scroll through the app, she had only hollowed out her insides more and more and more and more until it became utterly unbearable.

There are easier things to swallow. Easier things to slot into the compartments of her mind. She never asked for heartache, but here she is, being dished a thousand platters of something she would rather not have.  Her mind serves to be a heartless turncoat, rendering her heart a raw and battered mess.

Perhaps, it’s time to stop lying to herself. Telling herself that she’s okay is slowly becoming an old lie. The sound of her dishonesty grates and wears on her ears and she is no closer to being okay.

Most days are good days, where Joohyun gets out of the house and attends all her classes. Nowadays, she’s grateful that Seulgi doesn’t stay on campus anymore, because she’d never be able to stand running into her at every corner if they stayed nearer to each other. Her inner voice could continue to repeat that fictitious tale without being constantly reminded that she was a bigger liar than an unreformed Pinnochio.

On those days, she could tell herself that she did not miss Seulgi.

For sure, most of the things she could shut out were small details, little things she could pick up and place into the boxes in her head. Small little titbits scattered around her mind, like how Seulgi would snore lightly and crack her knuckles loudly, facets of her behaviour that on bad days would be pet peeves but on good days simply quirks that Joohyun would smile at. Or how Seulgi would smile sleepily in the morning even before her eyes open to snuggle closer to Joohyun as they lay on the bed together, huddling for warmth on a cold winter morning. Or how Seulgi smells of whatever lotion she’s purchased recently (the latest one had been citrus, sharp but somehow comforting).

But it’s the small details that come in an unending deluge. All of her senses constantly remind her that she’s missing someone, ~~a part of herself~~. If she closes her eyes, her mind visualises the way Seulgi dashes up to her, always excited to see Joohyun. If she plugs in her earphones, she remembers how they would sing their favourite songs, or how Seulgi always hummed under her breath whenever they studied in the library together until the librarian gave her a stern glare. Joohyun’s not managed to find a fabric softener that did not smell like the clothes that they wore. And certainly, finding Seulgi’s old plaid shirt in her closet seventeen days after their breakup sent her into a work overdrive, her consciousness striving to eradicate all traces of a slowly but increasingly unfamiliar familiar.

The filters in her head don’t have microscopic membranes, and there are only so many compartments that she can fill to bursting in her small frame before they overflow. Even if they lie about half-forgotten, they draw pinpricks of pain, biting and altogether unbearable. Each memory is infinitesimally small, but oh, how they manage to wham into her, leaving her blindsided, bruised, and bloody.

She hates all of this.

She tilts her head up and peers at the starless night. If only there were stars so she could distract herself by counting them.

=====

Things get better, things get worse.

Winter begins to seep into the city, its cold drafts causing her to curse at the pressure system and bemoan the country’s latitudinal position. It’s her final year, after all, so she spends her time holed up in the relative warmth of the library. She grumbles to her friends that the library is never heated well enough, grouses at the fact that she has to wear her down jacket indoors. Her friends commiserate and point out that at least she’s saving herself from the hassle of having to strip the layers on and off repeatedly, but that’s little consolation when her fingers are freezing as they type hundreds of letters into her Word document.

She begins to push herself harder. She shows up earlier for her tutorials, on time for all the lectures, sits in the front row, answers questions and asks a gamut of her own. Shyness is something she sets aside for coursework, and shyness is an unnecessary inhibition to graduating with better grades.

The professors she meets in this semester begin to recognise her and know her name, and she’s sure that some of them would be willing to supervise her honours thesis after she drops them a hundred emails. She’d be sure to avoid asking one of the middle-aged male professors from last semester, what with the rumours swirling about his lack of regard for official regulations and ah, unprofessional overfriendliness. She scoffs at the thought. Professor Meyers is nigh immune from all prosecution. Last she’s heard, his younger wife showed up at school in a chauffeured car, and all the students in the department mutter about his family wealth.

She finds a pair of orange socks with teddy bear prints on it half a week into December. They are obnoxious. Bright. Happy.

She doesn’t throw them out.

=====

She gets lunch with Seungwan often enough. Not as frequently as she used to since Seungwan wasn’t particularly happy about the choice she made four months ago, but good friendships don’t shatter because of disapproval.

When they meet, they don’t talk about Seulgi. Joohyun knows that the duo are still as tight as ever, but she always stops herself from blurting out the questions she’s dying to ask.

Today’s an exception.

“I saw a poster for the dance club earlier. Is Seulgi’s performing for the Christmas concert?”

Seungwan, to her credit, did not choke on her noodles. Her eyes also widened, but only for a fraction of a second. If Joohyun wasn’t this attuned to her expressions, she wouldn’t have caught it.

She swallows before she replies. “Yeah, she is.”

Unsatisfied, Joohyun presses, “What’s she performing?”

“She’s up for three… no, four, different numbers.”

“Have you seen her practice?”

Seungwan swallows a mouthful of soup. “Yeah, I have. She’s pretty good, but no surprises there. She says she’s doing a short duet with one of the new members, Taeyong, I think?” Another mouthful of soup. “I know she’s choreographing one of the group dances.”

“Taeyong?” Joohyun’s brow raises as she struggles to place the name to a face. “Oh, him. I think I might’ve assessed his audition.”

Seungwan shrugs. “I won’t know. Anyway, Seulgi’s pretty excited about the performance. She’s practising pretty hard for it.”

Joohyun smiles at Seungwan, squashing down a weird feeling fomenting inside her. “That’s good to hear.”

She looks back down at her food and begins to play with her metal chopsticks. If she looked up, she’d see Seungwan giving her a sad look. She doesn’t see it.

=====

She has truly incurred a terrible amount of bad karma, cursed as she is to run into Kang Seulgi at the convenience store.

Seulgi is there alone, idly thumbing at the different cups of instant noodles. She’s not seen her yet, Joohyun is sure. Joohyun’s stands numbly by the door, forgetting for a moment that she’s here to pick up a carton of milk because they’ve run out of it. She had been thinking of getting some ice-cream, but the fridge for frozen products is right in front of Seulgi’s line of vision.

From afar, Seulgi looks fine. Joohyun hates that her heart skipped a beat when she saw her, because who the hell gave Seulgi the right to bleach her hair blonde? Her side profile’s arresting, and God, Joohyun, just get the milk and _go_. The very sight of Seulgi, here in the flesh, manages to lock Joohyun’s knees together and freeze her feet to the ground and make her frozen ears burn.

The milk is in the fridge. Walk. Walk there, Bae Joohyun. Okay. It’s just milk. It’ll expire on the twenty-seventh of the month. You guys will finish the milk by then. Open the door, don’t let yourself get distracted by the girl to your eleven o’clock. Close the door. Bam.

Ah shit, she’s really used too much force.

She winces as she watches Seulgi startle, dropping a packet of peach gummies from her hand as she jumps. Joohyun refuses to acknowledge how good Seulgi looks in her leather jacket. Although, why isn’t she dressed more warmly? How is she warm enough dressed only in _that_?

She watches as Seulgi’s gapes at her disbelievingly, unwilling to believe that Joohyun’s here in the flesh. It’ll be rude not to say hi, even if the person’s your ex, and so Joohyun summons enough in her to walk towards her. Up close, she sees that Seulgi’s lips are slightly chapped and she may or may not have lost enough weight – is she not eating properly? She knows that Seulgi’s a terrible cook, but she lives at home now so surely, her mom would’ve ensured that she’s being fed well?

(It brings her a small measure of horrible satisfaction that Seulgi might be suffering too.)

She could have said hi.

Instead, her voice works up a ridiculous question that she doesn’t have the right to ask, the words leaving her like a treacherous bubble, “Have you not been using any chapstick?”

Seulgi stares at her in return for a long moment. Joohyun begins to shift uncomfortably. What kind of question was that? Completely and totally unnecessary. You don’t get to ask questions like that. What must Seulgi be thinking?

“Ah, my lips must be quite dry, aren’t they?” Seulgi rubs her lips self-consciously, a few pieces of dried skin flaking off onto her fingers. “You’re erm… looking well?”

She does have a full face of day makeup on. “Are you buying something?”

Seulgi bites her lips. “Yeah. Was debating between getting the cheese or spicy flavour.”

“Spicy,” Joohyun says again. Seulgi only blinks at her, the deer in the headlights expression never leaving her. “I mean! It’s cold outside. Spicy things are good.”

“Right-o.” Seulgi nods and picks the red cup up. “I’ll be going then. Need to get back to cramming for finals. See you around.”

Without waiting for a reply, Seulgi walks away and shoves a series of notes at the cashier before flitting out to the afternoon streets.

Joohyun looks down at the fallen packet of gummies lying amidst the multicoloured selection of noodles. It takes her a while for her to pull her gaze away from it. By the time she makes her way to pay, condensation has long begun to form on the milk carton.

Leaving should have been easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes I shameless pilfered the titles from different Bastille songs - "nothing in this fic is mine except the word splat". This is also an excuse to write a breakup AU because of _Happier _tbh.__
> 
> [i also recognise my writing can be a bit. draggy. rip well i am not disciplined enough to rip the useless chunks away though, my apologies]


	2. if you close your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

Every time they run into each other, Joohyun tells herself that she’s _not a coward_ when she plucks her feet and turns in the other direction. That her guts aren’t being wrenched out of their place and her heart isn’t trying to violently expel itself from her body. She’s been _doing so well_ but _no_ , bumping into Seulgi dredges up all the memories from the back of her mind, and she’s startled by just how clear they are, how sharp the edges of these fragments are for they scratch at her, and those that are particularly vivid lance through her chest.

Seulgi curled up on the sofa after a long day at school. Seulgi grinning broadly as she makes her way through the Oreo cereal that Joohyun says is _only for kids_ but Seulgi’s unrepentant sweet tooth doesn’t care that she’s on a sure road to type II diabetes. Seulgi grabbing Joohyun off the black rubber sofa and shoving a mic in her hands and them singing together, not caring that their friends are laughing at their antics.  

Apparently, the only refresher her memories needed was well, bumping into Kang Seulgi physically. And now it feels like Week 1 all over again, like she’s not gone through the past couple of months attempting to piece a life together.

Every time she sees Seulgi, she is reminded of what they _were_. And while being single is not a terrible way to exist, her entire being longs to return to that familiar rhythm that they had formed for themselves.

It’s stupid, really. She’s been single more than she hasn’t in her entire life. Even if you scratch off the years spent in childhood because okay, that doesn’t really count, she’s sure that she hasn’t dated enough people in her life to say that she’s more used to being in relationships than not. Her Facebook profile would attest to that (not that she’s ever declared her non-singlehood on Facebook).

Joohyun’s fist clench and unclench, the rivulets of scalding hot water running down her back. _Shit. Shit. Shit._ Just an hour ago, Seulgi had entered the café a few streets down from their school. With another girl, whose large shiny eyes and a too-bright grin had made Joohyun want to hurl.

Joohyun didn’t notice Seulgi at first, hidden as she was behind her laptop screen. But when she took off her headphones because her ears were starting to get sore from the pressure, her mouth had been sucked completely and utterly dry when she heard Seulgi’s soft laugh.

For a long, heart-stopping moment, Joohyun had watched them, entranced like the way you watch a disaster hurtling towards you, the way that Seulgi allowed the girl to touch her with a familiarity that made Joohyun’s tongue taste bitter and made her fingernails dig into the flesh of her palms.

She told herself it doesn’t matter. No. No. It doesn’t. But honestly, who was she fooling? Her stuff disappeared into her bag. She got up. Left.

Practically fled, in fact.

An hour later, her wet skin is mottled and red.

==========

_“Joohyun, can you stand right there?”_

_“Here?” She walks to where Seulgi’s pointing. “What for?”_

_“The lighting’s good.” Seulgi pulls out a camera. “Dad gave me a camera. Thought I could test it out on you.”_

_“Me?”_

_“Yeah, on the prettiest girl in the whole world. Even if I’m not that good at taking photos yet, at least the photos will turn out nicely.”_

_Joohyun feels her cheeks redden. “Hey.”_

_“It’s only the truth, Joohyun-ie.”_

==========

“So, Joohyun,” the pen drums against the table, “why aren’t you back in the dating game yet?”

Joohyun looks up from her stack of readings. “I’m sorry?”

“You heard me,” Jennie frowns. “This… I don’t know. You’ve been single for… I don’t know, all these months? Don’t you like… want to date?” Jennie’s mouth quirks to the side and she frowns in contemplation. “God knows that my mother has been on my ass ever since I broke up with Jongin. All the stupid spinsterhood jibes are getting a bit old from the birth-giver.”

“The birth-giver?”

“My _mother_. The person whose uterus I occupied for nine month, give or take? Now come on, are you going to date again, or are you going to sit around forever and mop around?”

“Excuse me? Firstly, I don’t _mop_ around! And then are you saying that being a spinster is _bad_ or – that’s so… so archaic, Jennie! I can’t _believe_ that you’d be sprouting that rubbish! Or I don’t know, if I was actually old enough to use the word _spinster_ , I’d be accusing you of spouting hogwash! That’s _nonsense_ and you know it!”

“Woah, no, I never meant to say anything of the kind. Chill dude.” Jennie raises her hands, conciliatory. “I just… you’re graduating soon so like, dating in college is a lot easier than dating after you graduate. Especially if you want to date a girl, you know? Your mom’s probably not going to accept a “no” to all her matchmaking offers soon.”

“ _Matchmaking_ —”

“—Is a perfectly acceptable practice to our moms. At least she’s not arranging your marriage or some other bullshit, so there’s that. Did you hear that one of the girls in the lower batch is bunking with Olivia because her mom wanted to hook her up with a banker’s son? Damn, that girl’s unlucky. Anyway, I don’t want to bet that your mom’s going to start asking if you want to go out with her friends’ sons soon, but… you know. Best be prepared.”

Joohyun lets out a low groan and sinks into the chair. “But… You _know_ that I…”

Jennie raises a brow. “That you are a terrible and unredeemable gay? Of course. Your mother’s probably never going to relent on the matchmaking front. So… fair warning.”

Joohyun pouts. “I don’t like this.”

“There, there.” There’s only commiseration and zero condescension in Jennie’s tone, but all the same, Joohyun feels a lot smaller than she usually does.

===

She finds a crumpled note in a pair of jeans that she rarely wears.

_To JH: reminder to pay your student bills! Can you buy some conditioner too the next time you go out? Think we might be running out soon._

She acknowledges that her heart felt like it’s being ripped into two, a slow ugly splintering that made her feel like she was being torn asunder. (All over again).  

==========

_“Seulgi!”Joohyun’s shriek echoes down the hallway. “Help me, please!”_

_“Joohyun-ie!” Seulgi cries out with a laugh as Joohyun runs straight into her outstretched arms. “What’s gotten into you?”_

_Joohyun pants for a moment. Inhales. “There’s… there’s a cockroach in my apartment.”_

_Seulgi’s brows hitch. “And you expect me to kill it for you?”_

_“Well… I guess so!” Seulgi chuckles at Joohyun’s fervent nods._

_“Oh alright. Lead me to the tyrant invading your home.”_

_Joohyun practically pushes Seulgi into her apartment, and Seulgi can only attempt to put up a brave, stoic front in the face of… this incursion. She doesn’t like cockroaches much herself. Who does? But she obliges anyway. Joohyun’s terrified and getting rid of the roach was all that mattered right now._

_She slips off her shoes and folds a stack of papers before venturing into the kitchen. Where is it? She sweeps the paper beneath the fridge and—_

_“Gotcha!” She slams the paper down swiftly on the scurrying brown insect. “Sorry for having to kill you, Mr Roach. But it’s the only way. Hope your family will do okay and all, Mr Roach.”_

_Behind her, Joohyun gives a nervous laugh until Seulgi tosses the paper into the bin, finally assured that the roach is no more than a wet brown splat against the newspaper._

_“You’re so dramatic. It’s just a cockroach!”_

_Seulgi laughs, then sobers. “It’s still a living thing. So it deserves an apology. Even if its kind has probably caused… I don’t know, the mass spread of diseases and dirt… this little guy was innocent. More or less.”_

_“It’s a cockroach,” Joohyun repeats bluntly. “But… I guess it didn’t harm me…”_

_Seulgi nods, brightening at seeing that Joohyun understood. “I don’t have to like killing it.”_

_“Yeah okay, you don’t.” Joohyun walks over and wraps her warm hand around Seulgi’s elbow. “Thanks for doing it anyway. I do appreciate it. A lot.”_

==========

“It was my fault,” Joohyun whispers into the darkness.

She doesn’t expect a reply, but her sister’s sleepy voice sounds out, “What is?”

Clench. Unclench. “The breakup.” She says. She’s never said this before. And certainly never to her sister. Never. Never.

What is family? Family is what raised her. What is family? Family is what clothed her and bathed her and sent her to school. What is family? Family consists of a group of people whom she hides from, whom she lies to when they ask her, “how are you?”. The lies slip out of her mouth so damned easily nowadays. In childhood, it had been so hard to look at her father in the face and deny that she broke the cup. It was by accident anyway, she had assuaged herself. But now? She looks her mother in the eye and says that she’s doing well when she comes home to visit. Family is a group of people whom she would never hand her heart to, for she couldn’t bear for them to look at it… and what? Was she afraid that they would refuse her heart? Or that they would trample on it? Or that they would take it and twist it to what they wanted it to look like? What is family?

“Your _breakup_?” Her sister suddenly sounds a lot more awake now. “Joohyun?” Concern. “Are you okay?”

From the bed next to her, Joohyun sighs. “I don’t know. Some days I am. Some days I am not. It’s terribly ridiculous.” She too, sits up, but curls her knees and tucks them under her chin. “I don’t…”

Her sister stands up, padding over to Joohyun. Her sister settles next to her, awkwardly. They don’t usually do this sort of thing. They’ve never been particularly close, for an entire series of reasons.

Her sister is a few years younger than she is, just shy of entering college, and Joohyun’s always tried to be a good older sister. But that also meant that Joohyun shutters a lot of herself away from her and doesn’t tell her much about her private life. She’s pretty smart for her age, but not overly so, so they’ve never particularly connected ~~like how Seulgi and her brother are close~~.

“I… broke up. With…” She exhales. “It was a few months ago. It doesn’t matter now.”

Her sister frowns. “It seems like it’s still bothering you. So it clearly _does_ matter. How long were you guys dating? Did he treat you badly?”

She exhales again. “No. She was…” How does she even begin to tell her that Seulgi was amazing? That there had really been nothing for her to complain about, and all that Seulgi deserves is a kiss of sunshine and the embrace of flowers, and never acid and sharp teeth?

“She?” Her sister’s voice is sharp, and for a heart-stopping moment Joohyun wants to bite her tongue off for the slip. But her sister continues, her voice a lot softer and kinder this time. “It’s… Joohyun-unnie… You’ve never told me.”

She swallows. “I never knew how to.”

Her sister sighs. “We can start. I… I wish I knew. So that I could have been there for you.” Her sister’s hug grows firmer. “I would have been there for you.”

“I…” A lone tear sneaks its way out of her eye. “Thank you.” She swallows the watery lump again. “I hate that I am so… _weak_. I’m not usually like this.”

“I know, I know. You’re strong, beautiful, and everything I can possibly hope to be,” her sister says simply, without the usual envy laced in it. “But sometimes I wish you could offload some of the burden you think you should be carrying, you know?”

No, she doesn’t know. But she leans into her sister’s somewhat larger frame and forces herself to relax. “Do you want me to tell you about her?”

“Sure. Whatever you’re comfortable with – I want to know.”

A small smile plays at her lips. Where to begin? “Her name’s Seulgi. She’s got an older brother. They’re idiots together, and they know it. She’s three years younger than I am, in the year below me. When we first met she was surprised to find out that I was three years older than she is. Our friends used to tease me for dating a younger girl. But she’s also very mature in the way she thinks. Grew up pretty sheltered – her dad works in the civil service. But she’s kind. Not spoiled. Wouldn’t hurt a fly – barely wanted to kill a stupid cockroach. She loves to sing, to paint, to dance. Got those from her parents, she always said. But dancing? Dancing was her thing. She’s _very_ good at it.”

“Better than you are?”

“Better than me.”

“But you’re so good, unnie!”

“Trust me, she’s better. Okay, I guess she was better at dances meant for guys—”

Under her breath, her sister mutters, “ _Gay_.”

For that, she earns a light slap on her leg. “ _Hey_. Didn’t you ask me to tell you about her?”

“You offered. But… why didn’t you tell me?”

Joohyun opens her mouth. Shuts it. Then tries, feebly, “I didn’t think you’d have been okay with it.”

“I would be okay with whatever makes you happy, Joohyun-unnie,” she proclaims. “I know… we don’t agree on everything, but I would hate for you to be unhappy. And if girls like Seulgi can make you happy, why would I say anything bad about it?”

Her voice catches again. She reaches for her sister’s hand and gives it a wordless squeeze.

“I… I assume you’re not gonna be telling mom, right, unnie?”         

“No.” Her tongue is bitter and laced with the tang of tears. “It’s hardly going to accomplish anything productive, especially not now, not when I’m not even dating Seulgi anymore.”

Her sister shrugs. “Fair enough. But whatever it is, I’ve got your back.”

“Even if mom cuts your pocket money for not telling her?”

“Even then.” Then cheekily, she adds, “You could _always_ compensate me for that!”

“You’re _incorrigible_.”

“I know.”  

==========

_With Seulgi, Joohyun's usually the big spoon. She likes clinging onto Seulgi as she sleeps, her arms draped around a solid warmth that snored lightly._

_When they finally decide to move in together on the pretext of getting cheaper rent, Joohyun quickly finds that she’s gotten too used to sleeping by Seulgi’s side. So much so that when Seulgi went home for the weekend, she had tossed and turned for hours before she could finally sleep. She’s grown used to holding her, grown used to the vibrations of her snores._

_Without Seulgi around, everything creeps back into her._

_Today, Seulgi’s finally back. Joohyun’s already in bed by the time Seulgi’s arms wrap around her, her scent filling Joohyun’s nostrils, the swirls of her brown hair tickling Joohyun’s neck. She smells like warmth, of honey and cinnamon and sunlight. _

_“You smell different.”_

_“Well… yeah. Didn’t bring my usual lotion home. Borrowed mom’s.”_

_“Your mom’s?”_

_“It’s not her usual one,” Seulgi says with a giggle. “This one was a gift from a friend of hers. Mom’s decided that she doesn’t like it. She’s more of a floral fan, I think. And oppa’s definitely not borrowing these things from her so…”_

_With Seulgi, her mind is calm. The tumult of her thoughts still and she no longer feels the need to rip her skin off to fashion herself a less troubled mind. Her head’s above the water, and as she snuggles into Seulgi’s embrace, she thinks that this happiness is something she can get used to._

==========

Joohyun rolls over in her bed, entirely unwilling to get out of its warm confines.

Jennie’s _I told you so_ rings in her head and all she wants to do is to throw her phone to the opposite end of the room.

Her mother called.

It starts with the usual pleasantries:   _Joohyun-ah_ , _how are you doing!_

_Yeah, I’m doing okay. You?_

_We’re doing very well. Have you eaten yet?_

_Yeah._ She lied. Her stomach growled. _Fried rice. I’ve got an essay to finish, you know?_ Another lie.

_Aigoo. Can you make some time for me this weekend? I was thinking of coming up together with a friend. She’s got a son working in—_

_Mom. Are you trying to set me up?_

Her mom had laughed. _It’s my duty as a mom, you know._

_Mom, I don’t need—_

_I just want you to be happy, Joohyun-ah, why can’t you accept that?_

Incredulity had coursed through her. And had hung up with a curt, _bye mom_. The screen had glared at her, accusing in all its blue light.  

And now that she’s awake, she can’t even go back to sleep.

==========

_Movie nights with Seulgi are slowly rising in her list of favourite things to do, and tonight is no exception._

_Save, of course, for the fact that Seulgi’s random pick of movies off Netflix somehow winds up as a slasher film, filled with gore, blood, and entire series of mutilated limbs. There’s something about a chainsaw and some maniacal nutjob going around on a murder spree. Joohyun’s watched some horror before, and she always looks forward to spending more time with Seulgi, but she never really expected to spend her night resisting the urge to shut her eyes and cover her ears as best as she could. She had hoped it would have gone more along the lines of lighting some nice candles that Seulgi’s mom gifted to them and settling in to watch some slow, peaceful film, or something. Just not this. _

_"Oh my god," she shrieks, and she hears Seulgi's faint wince as her free arm moves to rub her poor ear. "What? His entire arm just got ripped off!"_

_Seulgi and Joohyun are nestled in their room, their legs both hidden underneath a blanket as they while their Friday night away. The small lamp is turned on, not that it’s really helping her feel any less terrified by the film before her. Joohyun’s trying, she really is, since Seulgi’s not offered to pick another film yet, which must mean she’s okay with this film and Joohyun doesn’t want to distract her from enjoying this. _

_But god._

_“Seulgi-ah, can we… watch something else?” The voice that leaves her is small, and she squeezes her eyes shut again as the whirr of the chainsaw rings again. “I’m scared. How are you not scared?”_

_Seulgi lets out a laugh when Joohyun buries her face behind her shoulder and tries to ignore the agonised scream of the next victim. She tries very, very hard to remember that it’s only a film and that no one was actually harmed in the production of the movie. It’s hard though._

_“Can’t do it. Please – let’s do something else?”_

_Seulgi relents and hits the pause button. Joohyun squeaks at the sight of the screencap. Guts and blood aren’t exactly her cup of tea. She moves to click the BACK button and Seulgi laughs again._

_“It’s okay, relax. We’ll watch something else, okay?” Seulgi says, laughing again. Her left arm reaches for Joohyun’s back and rubs soothing circles, and Joohyun sinks into her hold. “I wasn’t really watching the film anyway. I don’t like slashers much either.”_

_“Wait. WHAT?”_

_Seulgi probably needs a new left ear at this point. “Yeah… I was mostly just…” her voice trails off. “You know what? Never mind.”_

_“Kang Seulgi!”_

_Another wince. “Erm. I didn’t choose the film deliberately – I swear! – but once we started I guess I… liked the way you just clung onto me?” She sounds hesitant, and really, altogether terrified._

_Joohyun’s mouth drops open for a long, incredulous moment. “Kang Seulgi!” she shrieks again as she grabs the nearest pillow and proceeds to commit murder-by-pillow. “I cannot believe that you subjected me to thirty minutes of this just because—” _

_Okay, she can admit that it’s kind of sweet, but in a terribly warped fashion. Surely, there are easier ways to get them to cuddle? God, if that was all Seulgi wanted from the get-go she would have been more than happy to oblige._

_Seulgi dodges a blow. “I… admit it was fun seeing you scared. No, seriously! Ow, Joohyun – please stop hitting me?”_

_“Seulgi!” A hit. “How… I cannot…”_

_“Just forgive me?” Seulgi pouts, narrowly avoiding yet another hit. Joohyun’s arms tire and she lowers the pillow, just for a bit. “Come on, Joohyun-ieee, please?”_

_Joohyun groans. Why does Seulgi have to whine like that? “Fine. You’re lucky you’re cute.”_

_Seulgi gives her a sun-splitting grin. “Only for you.”_

==========

What mother wants, mother gets.

Joohyun’s dressed as best as she can; mother’s wrath is not worth it. Even if she’s an unwilling participant in this entire affair and even if she’s trying hard to avoid being shoved into a tête-à-tête with the admittedly good-looking man in front of her, having to face her mother’s clipped tones for _embarrassing her_ and _how could you not make an effort_ is something she doesn’t need in her day.

She’s trying hard to smile as widely as she can and nod whenever there’s something that should be registered as being remotely interesting, but it’s really an uphill battle she’s not sure she’d win. Smile too broadly and nod too much, and the two female vultures would swoop in and send her off to Date #2. Which she doesn’t want. Show too much of her actual disinterest? Damn.

There’s no winning this.

Twenty-five minutes ago, Joohyun followed her mother in, heels clicking against the wooden floor of the café. The prospective guy is introduced by his mother, both of them looking pleased to see Joohyun. The mother compliments her choice of dress – red flatters your skin!

Park Bogum is charming enough, she supposes. If she cared the least bit for Bogum’s sex she would say that he’s actually pretty attractive. But he looks too happy to be here, an excessively willing participant to this charade of niceties, so Joohyun cannot say that she’d even want to be friends with him after she escapes this brunch… thing. She’s surprised that he’s still single, all things considered. He has the wide, pretty boy eyes that the girls at college covet. Smooth unblemished skin. An earnest, open face. His eyes crinkle when he smiles, sparkling with genuine amusement at one of her throwaway remarks. He’s not supposed to find her funny when all she wants to be is snide. And for god’s sake, he’s working at some bank, isn’t he? Where are all the sharks around?

She imagines his Tinder profile. He’d be the perfect guy to go to church with, if Sundays with Jesus was your thing. There’s nothing that you could condemn about it, maybe. The only complaint might arise from a relatively insecure girl, something to do with how he’s too much of a heartthrob to actually be dated. She’s read some study about how being average to above average is ideal for securing a proper date off Tinder. Bogum’s probably a little out of the above average waters, but really? Why would he even be here?

She should have been able to give him a chance. If only. If only. Two things, but the one that squeezes her ribcage’s the fact that she _knows_ that it’s been _months_ , and _yet_.

She shouldn’t feel this way. Not like this. Not _still_.

It almost feels like déjà vu when she hears the tinkling of bells.

Her face freezes mid-laugh at something that Bogum says, something that she had found genuinely funny for those four seconds, but when she locks eyes with one Kang Seulgi, she can’t remember, for the life of her, what the hell Bogum just said.

Seulgi’s lips part, slightly, her brows creasing slightly in confusion before everything is shuttered off such that even Joohyun can’t read her.

For a moment, she wonders if she’s dreaming. Of all places to run into Seulgi _again_ , it just _has_ to be here. Seulgi’s in one of her many blazers and she looks absolutely amazing and Joohyun wishes she was by Seulgi’s side, not held down by the wishes of her mother.

The bells cling again, more noisily this time.

And she’s gone.

Joohyun doesn’t know how long she spends staring after her.

“Irene? Irene?” Bogum says, waving his hand in front of her. “You okay?”

“I… Yeah. Sorry – I spaced out…” Then it _reall_ y strikes her that Seulgi was just there and oh god. “I’m sorry, but I just remembered that I have something to do and really sorry – I – bye?” Her brain’s short-circuiting and she can’t even come up with a proper excuse as she grabs her handbag and dashes out to the streets. There’ll be hell to pay later but in this moment, does she really care?

“Seulgi!” she cries out as soon as she can. “Kang Seulgi!”

She doesn’t see her, but she _hopes_ she picks the correct direction and she runs down the street. “Seulgi! Kang Seulgi!”

A flash of her brown blazer. “Seulgi, Seulgi, please, stop running!”

God. Heels are _terrible_ for running down the tarmac.

Seulgi’s not gotten any worse at running, it would seem. She _runs_ and all Joohyun can do is to sprint after her as best as she can and lament her choice of footwear. At least her handbag’s not particularly heavy, and it’s also pretty useful for shoving the crowd aside as she tears her way through the throng of passers-by.

“Seulgi—” her ankle nearly twists as it’s caught on something. She lets out a huge sigh. She’d never catch up with her at this rate—

“You okay?” Seulgi suddenly appears by her side, panting slightly.

Yes, but also, no—

Joohyun lets out a harsh sob and wants, so badly, to fall into Seulgi’s arms, but it’s not her place. It’s not her place.

“Come on, was your date _that_ bad?”

She can see that Seulgi’s trying to poke fun at her. And god, what are their places with each other anymore?

Rendered wordless, all she can do is gape. Then she says, enunciating as clearly as she can with as much emotion as she can muster, “I _fucking_ hate you.”

Seulgi’s eyebrows quirk, but she doesn’t deign to respond to that. “Do you want to talk?”

She sighs.

But of course, she doesn’t say no.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is up -- sorry for the wait I spat out another one-shot(?) previously and was busy with college. Hope you guys liked this (and as usual: shameless Twitter plug @goldfinchex)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. all that we've amassed | shattered into ash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> head's up: this chapter forgets the meaning of chronological narration
> 
> also if you want to have something to listen to:
> 
> \- kenshi yonezu's lemon  
> \- bastille's things we lost in the fire (where the title of this chapter comes from)  
> \- bastille's happier (chapter 1's title)  
> \- bastille's pompeii (chapter 2's title)  
> \- my YT playlist at bit.ly/HMITWWW (i made this for myself to listen to but if you want to borrow it, it's here!)

 

_all that we've amassed sits before us, shattered into ash_

 

They start slipping.

It starts, as with all of such things, with an accident. Which accident, they aren’t very sure of themselves, but maybe if she tries to trace it far back enough, she’d point out that it started when Seulgi left the sweetened coffee out overnight and she woke up to a cup full of ants.

Or maybe it starts with a text. With how as she gets up to hand Seulgi her phone, she sees a notification pop up with a few heart emojis attached to the end of the string of hiragana and kanji. Annoyance flares in her because she can’t read Japanese, and well, she really doesn’t have any right to be upset, does she? But she does. And she gets more upset because she knows she’s not supposed to be upset.

Seulgi doesn’t say who it is, just laughs and says it’s a kid from her class. _Some exchanger from UTokyo._ _Do you mind if I ordered some chicken in, Hyun? I can pay for whatever you want to get. I just really want some Kyochon right now._ When Seulgi makes this request, her eyes disappear in a smile. Joohyun just sighs and nods in assent (defeat). It’s worth it, kind of, when Seulgi smiles as she tears into her rice-coated fried chicken. It’s kind of worth it even if the entire house reeks of radish kimchi and no amount of laughingly flapping at the air in the general direction of the open window can salvage how everything stinks.

It’s also the kind of thing that feels a bit like a dream. The kind of thing you don’t really know is happening until you are jolted _out_ of it.

She forgets about all of this until it happens again, hearing Seulgi speak on the phone in rapid-fire Japanese. She remembers that Seulgi learned Japanese after watching a bunch of anime shows in her early teens. Then she begged her father to send her to more classes. _It’s a friend. From you know, Japan – haven’t I told you about her?_

It grates at her every time she takes the subway. _Korean. English. Mandarin. Japanese._ Every time she reads the map and traces her way along the colourful sprawl of lines, she’s reminded that there’s something that she doesn’t know about Seulgi’s life. And god, again, there’s that godawful knowledge that she’s not supposed to feel like this at all. Seulgi has her own damned life to live and she’s not a part of you, not in _that_ way.

She turns that thought over. Why does she feel this incessant need to _know_ and _want_ her so badly? Is it because she simply likes to own things? But she’s not… not a dragon. Not the kind to hoard gold. And Seulgi certainly _is_ gold – precious and something you never wanted to lose _._ Brilliant in all her radiance. Could it be that some part of her hates that Seulgi makes her feel so strongly about everything, and it’s…

Joohyun sighs as she stuffs her wallet into her pocket. Uncomfortable truths aren’t the best way to start her morning.  

––––––––––––––––––––

_The dreams make her jolt out of bed._

_They are almost theatrical, the kind that seems to shatter the fourth wall in how violently real they feel. They’re like a familiar cinematic reel, scratchy in some parts but altogether too vivid and it’s like being captivated by a locomotor train as the reel clicks its way through her dreams. Sometimes the tapes jerk forwards and it’s the blurry shapes and soft chatter of the voices that get to her. A hand not quite fully formed that reaches for her. A smile not quite there. _

_A face she cannot see._

_Then there is the shouting. The half-drawn screams of anger. An accent that sounds like hers but no, she’s never heard those voices before, has she? The murderous cry of a furious patriarch, the slam of a fist against the table, the glass that shatters as something whizzes past her head_ _._

_None of that’s happened, she knows._

_Is it bad if she has always hoped otherwise?_

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

It tips and the jar shatters on the ground. Water spills out onto the carpet.

The flowers are going to leave a stain.

====================================

“Seulgi,” she murmurs as she shifts her legs against the younger girl’s. “How many stars do you think there are in the sky?”

Seulgi blinks, extremely blurrily. “A lot. Why?”

“Dunno. Just wondering, I guess.”

“Go ask Sooyoung or something. Actual astrophysicists in the making would have better brains for this question,” Seulgi’s voice is thick with sleep as she shifts to lean her head against Joohyun’s shoulder. As Seulgi exhales, a gust of her warm breath ghosts over Joohyun’s bare shoulder. Seulgi’s nose nudges Joohyun’s neck lightly. “Are you having trouble falling asleep?”

“Yeah. I guess. Was counting stars. Counting the satellites, more like, but you know.”

Seulgi groans a little as she pulls herself out of her slumber. It’s one of the things that Joohyun’s long envied about her, the way she could just fall asleep whenever and wherever she wanted to.

“I’ll count them with you, would you like that?” Seulgi pulls herself free from Joohyun and sits up. “I mean, I can’t really see—” she squints a bit as she stares up at the sky. “But that looks like one star. Or two. Or three. Or three satellites. You get it.”

“You don’t have to, Seul.”

“Nah. I’ll stay awake with you.”

“Don’t you have a test tomorrow?”

“It’s in the afternoon anyway. In my 4pm class. It’s good, I’ve studied for that. But you? You aren’t ready to go to bed at all. Anything on your mind?”

A lot of things. Really. But it’s… it’s okay. Not now. She’s not ready to articulate all of them now.

So she too sits up. And pulls herself behind Seulgi, tucking her head into the crook between Seulgi’s neck and arms.

––––––––––––––––––––––

She’s like fire.

Hard to contain, hard to ascertain her next move: a constantly changing, excited thing.

As with everything with Seulgi, there is nothing that she can really predict.

The only thing she knows for a certain is how unpredictable everything can be. She knows most of Seulgi’s habits. She knows that Seulgi likes to take things slowly, to think about things and mull them over. She knows that Seulgi takes a hundred years to get out of bed when she doesn’t feel like it. But she also knows that Seulgi moves quickly and sharply when she wants to. That Seulgi doesn’t do things in halves. That she gives everything and consumes it all when she so desires.

She thinks she should’ve seen it coming.

Seulgi comes up to her, bouncing on her toes.

“Joohyun,” she breathes. “Come on. I _want_ to.”

Joohyun pulls away, as if scalded. “ _No_.”

“Why not?”

“I...”

“I mean, you don’t have to tell _them_. Come on, if you don’t ever _try_ , we’d never—”

“Seul,” she repeats warningly. “Drop it.”

“Okay, okay!” Seulgi holds her hands up in surrender. “I got it. Anyway. I might need to head out tonight. I’m sorry. A classmate of mine needs help with her part of the project. It’s a really huge part of our grade and I hate that I have to go—”

“Just go.”

“I’m… Are you mad at me?”

“I’ll be _fine._ ”

“Joohyun—”

“Just _go_. Can you leave me alone, just for a bit?”

“I don’t know, don’t really want you to stew alone with your own thoughts for too long… do you mind if Seungwan comes over then?”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me with my own company?”

“Oh, no, no, no, no. It’s just. Seungwan’s said that she misses your company! Would be good for you guys to spend time together, some one-on-one girl time?”

She sighs. “And I don’t suppose I can say no?”

“I mean. You could. But it’s also kind of pathetic if I’m ditching you to do a project and then I’ll be somewhere out there knowing that all you’re planning on doing all night is to pull up the blankets and maybe watch some Netflix, which, yes, is _perfectly_ fine and good, don’t get me wrong…”

“I get it, fine, fine. I’ll text Seungwan on the g.c. Is there anything else?”

“I’m sorry, by the way, for bringing it up again.”

“It’s fine, Seul.” There’s no anger in her voice anymore. “Just… don’t come back too late?”

“I’ll try! Bye, Joohyun. Love you.”

Joohyun misses the look of concern that flashes on Seulgi’s troubled face before Seulgi scuffles out of their apartment.  

==========

One afternoon, Seulgi looks up from her cup of caramel macchiato and asks, “Hey, Hyun, are we good?”

Joohyun’s brow rises. “Why would we not be?”

==========

She sees her as she drowns.

Her head crashes. It’s dark. She wants Seulgi. She doesn’t want Seulgi.

_It’s wrong. It’s wrong. It’s wrong. It’s wrong to want. It’s wrong._

_Joohyun. Joohyun. Joohyun. You have to do this. You have to do that._

_Joohyun, why are you grades slipping? Joohyun, why are you being so difficult? How could you even think of such a thing? Joohyun, how could you have forgotten what we’ve taught you all this time? How could you forget about us? Joohyun, you don’t deserve all this that we’ve given you. Joohyun, how could you lie to us like this? We’ve clothed you, fed you, paid for your college fees, your exorbitant Exchange fees… Joohyun, don’t you feel like you’ve let us down? We can’t accept these kinds of people, Joohyun, don’t you know? Don’t have friends like that. It’s wrong._

_You are wrong, Bae Joohyun._

_Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun—_

She gasps as she tears herself above the sludge.

Joohyun’s hands clench around the blankets and she wants to scream and wretch her entire throat out. To throw all this out of her.

Seulgi appears, finally, she’s bright, warm, and Joohyun tugs herself free from Seulgi’s too-hot touches.

She pretends she doesn’t see the hurt that crosses Seulgi’s face as she forcefully swallows the poison rising in her throat.

But Seulgi doesn’t hold back, doesn’t take a damned hint. Her hand grips Joohyun’s arm, tightly.

“Joohyun? Are you okay?”

She wipes at her eyes. She wants to tell her the _truth_ , to beg and to scream for help. But what she wants to say gurgles and dies, sinks to the bottom of her very being.

And instead, what she spits out is, “ _This?_ This is _ wrong_.”

“Joohyun,” Seulgi sighs, but the infinite patience in her voice makes Joohyun sink deeper into herself. “You… you can tell me anything. Did they say something?”

Her lungs are screaming for air. “No. Leave me alone, okay?”

_This is wrong, Joohyun. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong._

She lets the tears flow from her eyes. Because oh god, Seulgi doesn’t deserve to have _this_ inflicted upon her all the time. Why should this girl, this star, stick around her? She’s not deluded enough to think that she’s perfect.

“Joohyun, I… You can tell me anything.”

She chokes on a sob. “Please. I… I’m not…” Seulgi shifts a little and wraps Joohyun in her hug. She burns, but right now, Joohyun feels like her dreams have frozen her very core. She leans into Seulgi.  Stars are bright, a ball of flames that she hopes engulfs her.

“Distract me,” Joohyun commands. “Please.”

“Okay. Can I play with your hair? I love your hair, unnie. It’s very soft. Smells great. How does everything you own smell like lavender? Don’t you get tired of it? Nah, it’s okay, you don’t have to answer that.

“We could also bake together someday soon? Seungwan’s insisting that I learn how to get better at existing in the kitchen – she’s inviting us over to bake one day, by the way. Anyway, I’ll make you some food this weekend _and_ do the dishes, okay? If you don’t have any preferences, I’ll just make sujebi. Do you actually like the sujebi I make?

“Also. Unnie. I’ve been meaning to say this for a while, but that sweater you bought the other day is kind of ugly.”

“What?” Joohyun suddenly cuts in. “You think that sweater’s ugly?”

“It really kind of is. You never buy anything _that_ colourful, but now that you’ve _actually_ bought something with colour on it it’s a sweater that looks like vomit? I mean come on, it’s that awkward weird brownish beige colour with all those colourful splotches on it. Nothing good is going for it,” Seulgi determines, rather baldly.

Joohyun gasps for a bit, pulling away from Seulgi’s embrace to let Seulgi know just how much of her sense of scandalisation has made its way onto her face. For a second, they stare at each other before Joohyun gives a watery laugh.

“You make a fair point, Seulgi. But what do I _do_ with it?”

“I mean. You could wear it. You’d still look good in it,” Seulgi points out. “But…”

“I won’t. Don’t worry.”  

==========

Seungwan shows up at their place that weekend, a Tupperware full of cookies in one hand and a book in the other.

“Wannie!” Joohyun greets as she throws the door open, smiling, but somewhat confused. “Seulgi didn’t tell me that you were coming over.”

“Yeah, well, I brought cookies?”

“Thanks? I mean, yes, thank you for the cookies, but… Are you okay?” It’s not like Seungwan to pop over unannounced. And if Seulgi’s planned it, she’d probably have said so.

“Well, Seulgi didn’t tell you? She’s going to be running late tonight. Meeting at school’s gonna drag because their video project is taking longer than expected, fiddling around with Premiere Pro takes _forever_ you know. Heard she’s pretty happy that it’s materialising as well as they’ve hoped, so they’ve decided to take a few more hours in the com labs to get it done… But yeah, I’m here! She feels bad that she’s going to have to ditch dinner with you tonight, so we volunteered me as your Saturday night dinner buddy.”

“They?” Her query comes out a bit more sharply than she intended it to.

“Oh.” Seungwan’s eyes widen a little, rather comically. “Her groupmate. Think her name’s Sakura? Like for the flower? But yeah. Anyway, do I just leave the cookies on the counter?” Seungwan moves towards the kitchen. “I’m rearranging the shit on your counter okay? God, it’s such a mess! Aren’t you usually neater than this?”

“Seulgi knocked over some stuff the last time she cooked ramyeon,” Joohyun explains with a roll of her eyes. She purses her lips as she finally admits, “I’ve just been a bit tired lately, and yeah well Seulgi seems _busy_ so neither of us have had the time to tidy it.”

“I’ll handle it! So, what do you want for dinner?”

Entering the kitchen, she props herself on the side of the counter. “I dunno. Seulgi was gonna make sujebi.” The thought of having takeout sujebi makes her tongue taste bitter. “But I want something else now, I guess. We can open MangoPlate and just go with whatever you’re feeling?”

Seungwan looks up at Joohyun, and for a moment, she thinks she sees pity in her friend’s eyes. But that moment is gone so quickly she might as well have imagined it. Certainly, Seungwan’s “okay!” is as chipper as it is usually. But still. She scratches at her wrist. Still.

==========

That day, her insides feel like freshly frozen ice. All her intestines are twisted in the worst way, in the way that feels like they are simultaneously tangled and cutting into each other. Knotted chunks of ice that chip at her veins. Her cold blood slowing, becoming viscous as it threatens to pull her down into the marshes.

God, but she doesn’t feel anything.

You don’t deserve this.

She should feel bad. Should feel bad since Seulgi gave her those flowers. But right now? She doesn’t really give a damn. Right now, she’s more concerned about not pulling her nails out and right now, she’s more concerned that she doesn’t tear her skin off.

God, help her.

Their voices ring in her head again. She knows that she’s going to _have_ to do the _right_ thing.

Seulgi’s going to be late again. Loath as she is to leave the house, to even bump into one noisy, overly perky pedestrian on the streets, she’s going to have to do it. _Now_. Else she’ll never find enough in her to do it again.

She sucks in a breath as she pulls her boots on, shutting the door behind her with a slam. An orange cab stops for her soon enough. The driver looks at her with vague concern. The old man tries to talk to her, ask her if she’s alright. She’s fine. Fine enough. The driver can tell that she’s lying, but anyone who’s not just kicked their way out of their mother’s wombs could tell. Heck, he’s probably got more than fifty years of experience of calling out a stranger’s bullshit.

“She doesn’t deserve this,” Joohyun finally says.

There’s some sympathy in his eyes. Too bad that she’ll never see him outside of his rear-view mirror ever again. She clenches her fists before she fishes out a wad of cash before they even arrive on campus and insists that he keeps the change.

Their campus is closer than she remembers. Seulgi finally replies to her text message, her surprise evident, because [ _oh, you’re coming to meet me in school?]_

When she finally steps off the car onto the campus grounds, she takes three seconds to realise that her legs are shaking.

She sucks in a breath.

She doesn’t want to do it. But she has to. Her lungs feel like collapsing on her. She has to. She has to do it.

****

**_From: Seul <3 _ **

_[20:02] [Give me a moment? Sakura and I are still settling some stuff!!]_

Joohyun bites on her lip. Term’s over. They don’t even have a school project with each other anymore. _That_ bothers her, but no… no it’s not really that either.

(So many things bother her, but they’re not _really_ because of Seulgi. Seulgi’s done no wrong, has she?)

It’s dark out and the campus is nearly devoid of people, given that it’s the end of the semester. The wind is gusty tonight, and even though it’s already July, she’s glad that she tried to put on a layer of flannel. She idly notes that their university’s position on a hillside probably makes it more susceptible to the elements.

She waits on the slope behind one of the buildings, squatting down to fiddle about with some of the fallen leaves. She keeps her gaze pointed at the upper floors of the building next door, studying the patterns of the graffiti lining the grey walls. One of them reads _fuck this world, get me out of here_ , and she privately cannot hope to agree more.

Seulgi finally appears, a bright smile on her face.

“Joohyun-ie!” she calls out as she runs up to her. “Sorry to have kept you waiting.” Her hand slips into Joohyun’s own. “You had… something to say?” She doesn’t miss the note of worry this time. “Whatever it is, can we go to Sulbing? You can pick!”

“Patbingsoo,” she replies instantaneously. Unknot. Unwind. Oh god. She _shouldn’t,_ she’s _supposed_ to get this done and behind her.

“Oh lord, you’re such an old lady.” Seulgi laughs, her shoulders shaking in her amusement.

_I can’t._

==========

There is no screaming match. Nothing overly dramatic. Nothing like what Joohyun really envisioned.

She’s not sure what she expected, really. Or hoped. Maybe she hoped that they would scream at each other and tear each other apart and then one of them would flee the scene, leaving the shreds of themselves on the ground behind them. There’s no Seulgi, crying as she tried to formulate a sentence to fully express actual vehemence at her. No Seulgi drawing up all that bottled up hurt to hurl at her. Perhaps she wanted something _violent_ , something to signify how they’ve damaged each other in such irrevocable ways that they’ll never want to find the pieces of each other to put themselves back together.

But there’s none of that.

She comes home to a darkened apartment, drenched to the bones from the pouring rain outside. In her exhaustion, she stumbles and knocks the jar off the windowsill.

It falls.  

The jar is in a million shards on the floor.

Seulgi jumps, her eyes widening as she sees Joohyun standing at the bedroom door. Her next action is to move in front of her suitcases, as if she’s trying to hide them from Joohyun. But she knows she doesn’t successfully manage to do so.

Instead of greeting her or acknowledging what she’s attempting to do, Seulgi tries, “Do you want any help cleaning that up? ”

Joohyun stares at her, slack-jawed.

“ _Seulgi_ ,” she pushes out, her voice strained. “You… I… We…”

Joohyun hears Seulgi swallow, loudly. She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath before she finally says, “I think we need a break.”

“What?”

“Yeah. You heard me. I don’t think… We aren’t really making each other happy anymore, are we? But… I don’t want to lose you. I love… I love you.”

She wants to say that she loves her back too. But that wouldn’t help. It’s not helped them in the past couple of months. It’s not going to salvage anything now.

She nearly chokes on the words. But she manages. Manages this time.

Joohyun, shaking her head: “I think we should break up. A break’s not going to do us any good, is it?”

“I… I…” She’s never heard Seulgi sound more confused. And her heart clenches so tightly that all she wants to do is to cry and wrap Seulgi in a hug, but… no. She mustn’t. She cannot. Seulgi turns away, looks down. She doesn’t look Joohyun in the eyes. Then, she inserts as much chirp into her voice as she can, but her voice cracks when she finally replies, “Yeah, I’m ahead of you. I’ll be out of your hair before you know it.”

For a long moment, neither of them really knows what to do. Is Joohyun supposed to help Seulgi pack? Are they supposed to stare at their mutual purchases and wonder who takes custody of the cutlery? Are they supposed to associate in perfect civility henceforth?

Her textbooks have never mentioned anything to handle any of _this_.

Seulgi’s indeed ahead of her. Before panic can constrict her throat, she hears a sharp zipping noise and Seulgi hefts her luggage up.

“I’ll be back for the rest of the stuff within the week. If you don’t mind, leave my stuff in a box by the door?”

With that, she drags her luggage out of the house, the wheels clacking as they move from carpet to wood and then to the grey cement floors as Seulgi finally exits the apartment. The electronic door beeps thrice. Seulgi left without shutting the cover to the number pad. She always forgets, when she’s in a hurry.

Joohyun sinks to the floor. She’ll deal with the door later. Her eyes shut. She shivers in her wet clothes.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_She’s thrown away all her lemon-scented products. Got rid of the lavender._

_What she remembers most about that period are the smells of everything. The bitter tang of lemon. The thin scent of lavender that clings to everything they shared. The thick full weight of rainy air, the sort of feeling that fills your nostrils and wells up inside your lungs. They roll and curl up inside of her and for ten long seconds she forgets the need for oxygen as her body craves for something else entirely._

_She remembers the tears. She remembers leaning her throbbing forehead against the cool glass pane, watching the rain drops run into tracks of water against the window, distracting herself from the heat of their argument. At night, when the rain stops and the air clears, she throws the windows open, shuddering. It’s cold and altogether too quiet. It’s still raining and she’s not here for her anymore._

 

 

あの日の悲しみさえ あの日の苦しみさえ  
そのすべてを愛してた あなたとともに  
胸に残り離れない 苦いレモンの匂い  
雨が降り止むまでは帰れない  
切り分けた果実の片方の様に  
今でもあなたはわたしの光

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, in case it wasn't clear - the stuff demarcated by italics & single lines are seulgi's thoughts, not joohyun's!
> 
> Also, the lyrics are from the aforementioned song, Lemon, by Kenshi Yonezu, plucked from: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/%E7%B1%B3%E6%B4%A5%E7%8E%84%E5%B8%AB/Lemon/translation/english
> 
> Even the sadness of those days, even the pain of those days  
> I loved every bit of it, with you by my side  
> In my heart, never coming out, is the bitter smell of lemon  
> I can’t go home until the rain lets up  
> Like one half of a split fruit  
> Even now, you’re my light


End file.
